Beggar’s Heart

I love this girl.

There are very few Christian music artists I really *love.* There are many I like, but few whose every CD I love, buy, and find something that speaks to me in every track. I think one of the reasons I love her music so much and identify with it so much is because we are both young. I don’t mean to say I can’t identify with the music of older artists, but I think she speaks the most to what’s going on in my heart because she reaches certain points in her life (for example, a first trip to a third-world country) at about the same time I’m ready to fully emotionally process those events in my life.

For example, this song, “Beggar’s Heart,” speaks to what I’ve felt since I’ve been back from my two-month stay in Maseru, Lesotho nearly three years ago. I remember writing my application for the mission trip, saying I knew God wanted to break my heart. It happened to a certain extent while I was there, but I never would have thought how deep the hurt would go, how long it would last, and how (it would seem at least now) I would always carry it with me.

When Motsilisi died, I had been back in the states only a few weeks. When I learned she was sick, I prayed for her, but she died only a few days later. For a very long time I struggled with thought that I had not prayed enough, or that I had prayed for healing, but that I hadn’t truly believed God would, or could, heal her.

Little Motsilisi, only a few days old.

Now, I think back on that time, and I think, “How silly! How selfish, to think that my small doubts, my lack, would change the mind of God.” No, I know it was part of his plan, but her death is still a fresh scar I carry inside me. Experiencing her death has taught me a lot about myself, about the nature of God, about our relationship, and I know I have grown as a result. Still, the process has been hard, even though I don’t think I really realized it at the time. Now, I am beginning to feel whole again, feeling the pain and the scar beginning to heal, and yet I know now, with complete certainly that God is more powerful than I can ever wrap my mind around.

Here are the lyrics in case you can’t catch everything. It took me a few listens and a little reading of the liner notes for me to get them all.

You changed my mind
You said something I had never heard
Something that is too high
It’s left me limping and in wonder

Because all the things I know
Suddenly seem so small

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar’s heart

Hands reaching through barred windows
Falling asleep on the sidewalk
You say You draw near to the low
Now I’m here, I know I’m not low enough
Because all the things I know
Suddenly seem so small

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar’s heart

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar’s heart

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